tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75017975006408417522024-03-13T14:53:29.859-07:00This Pudding Has No ThemeArianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17498810569684905571noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501797500640841752.post-62932204488865585552012-11-03T16:02:00.000-07:002012-11-03T16:17:00.350-07:00Fortune Cookie<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Normally I don’t take much stock in fortune cookies. I know
that there is a whole group of people randomly concocting vague “fortunes”
designed to strike a chord with anybody likely to crack open a fortune cookie. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it would probably go a little something like this in the
fortune cookie writing headquarters:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hey Bill, check out this one I came up with: <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">You find beauty in ordinary things, do not
lose this ability.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">And then Bill
would be like <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">“Yeah, listen to
this one: A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">And then they
would both laugh and be like “Suckersss. Someone out there is gunna think
they’re special.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">What a bag of
dicks fortune cookie writers are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">Anyways, I usually
just read the fortune and add “between the sheets” to the ending because it
makes me giggle. For example, “A thrilling time is in your immediate future…
between the sheets.” Hehehe! I’m also convinced that fortune cookie writers
have this in mind when they write the fortunes because they always seem to fit
so well together! Or maybe I just need to get my mind out of the gutter…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">However, these
are desperate times, I’m in dire straights man, and other such overused clichés
(that's actually not even true, I'm just being dramatic. I say this at the risk of making the whole premise this story untrue. Suck it, I'm trying to be heartfelt.) So, returning from that tangent, the point is that I decided to take one fortune cookie
to heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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And it was this: If you’re not happy with what you’ve got,
how could you be happy with more? <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And I was like, okay little Asian cookie, you could have a
point there. I really should be happy with what I’ve got. I’m young, and life
is hardly ever dull because my friends are some of the craziest people I know,
and I have a whole network of people who love me and will put up with my
whining. But most importantly, I have so many possibilities. Because the one
upside of being unemployed and uncertain (besides endless free time to do
whatever I want) is the boundless potential. Just like a stone on the brink of
a cliff has the potential of high velocity, so do I, on the brink of many
possibilities, have the potential of great things.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Oh and also, "If you're not happy with what you've got, how could you be happy with more?... between the sheets." HAHAHA :)</div>
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<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Arianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17498810569684905571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501797500640841752.post-6061713728546444032012-10-20T19:21:00.004-07:002012-10-20T19:21:50.169-07:00Potato Chip Factory
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so immature. Seriously. Is it acceptable to be this
immature at 23? You know what my biggest fear/largest source of anxiety is
right now? A job.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it’s not like I’ve never had a job before. Oh I’ve had
plenty. But this one is different. It is going to take my life over completely.
This party lifestyle that I’ve had a death grip on for so long? It will pry my
fingers loose and I will see late drunken nights in the middle of the week and
packing up to go on a weekend adventure on a whim just fly away like some
asshole butterfly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And this is why: This business operates from Tuesday to
Sunday so I only get Mondays off. Monday of all days. And on top of that, what
I’m going to be doing ain’t all that great. I basically am going to be
harassing people at Home Depot about their kitchens and trying to get them to
sign up for free consultations. Yeah, I’m that asshole. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But hey, I need a job because I want to travel and continue
to party someplace cool like Rio de Janeiro or Buenos Aires. (You don’t have me
yet adulthood!) And plus I should have some sort of usable skills for future
job endeavors. Because, let’s face it. I have a college degree but didly squat
when it comes to career-esque skills. Who wants to hire the lazy college grad
drunkard? Yeah, nobody.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So this is what’s going through my head: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh my god I need to get a job because I have
to save up to go travel but it has to pay well otherwise I won’t be able to
save because I’m really bad at that and another stipulation is that it has to
have some sort of leadership quality so that when I attempt to get a job I
actually want, they might actually want to hire me because I have to do
something eventually the party can’t go on forever oh my god but I wan’t it to,
why can’t it because I need to grow up one day and I have to see things and do
things and be happy.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Welcome to my mind. On top of this, my best friend tells me
that at her job at a medical office, old people are always coming up to her and
saying<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Live your life while you’re still young! Do everything you
want to do now, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I’m all “Shit dude we need to get out of here. Let’s go
to South America!” But to get to South America we need money and to get money
we need to have a well-paying job but all the well-paying jobs suck your soul
dry… and around and around goes the vicious circle.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyways, I decided to unload all of this to my mother who
responds thusly:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Did you know I once worked in a potato chip factory where I
had to sit all day and pick out the bad potato chips from the bags?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And at this point I’m completely stopped in my tracks and
the vicious circle has stopped spiraling for the time being because all my
energy has now been concentrated on how funny it is that my mom had a job like
this once and wondering why she never told me such a hilarious detail of her
life and questioning what a “bad” potato chip is because I’ve never met a
potato chip that I didn’t like. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And is that even a real job? In my head it just looks like a
bad comedy skit. But apparently there’s a pretty sizable amount of potato chips
that are deemed unfit for consumption and people have to sit and pull those
out. And how do they even train people for such a job? Do they have pictures
and charts and grafts depicting what is considered a “bad” potato chip? Are
there categories and different levels of “badness”? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyways, my mom was once one of those people but now she has
a job she loves. So the moral of the story is that no one is ever stuck with a
shitty job. If you’re not into charts of bad potato chips, move onto the
pretzel factory, right? And then make those fucking pretzels your bitch.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Arianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17498810569684905571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501797500640841752.post-49863355991120128312012-10-11T16:13:00.000-07:002012-10-11T16:13:55.434-07:00Imma Punch Your Lights OutI'm pretty sure I'm the only person on the planet, yes, ON THE PLANET who still listens to regular ol' FM radio. Most cool kids nowadays have their fancy-pants iPods or Sirius or XM radio or whatever you want to call it. Something where their shit gets blasted straight to their cranial from fucking outer space. But no, not me. I've got good old fashioned FM radio where all the stations decide to conveniently take commercial breaks at the same god damn time.<br />
<br />
But that's not the only thing I have to contend with. No sirree. If you've ever listened to FM radio (and I'm sure you have despite all your fancy gadgets) then you know that radio stations love to choose<br />
one hit song and play it on a loop every mother loving five minutes. And if you're like me and can't stand the sound of yourself driving (what does that even sound like? I've never paused to find out but I'm sure it's a terrible desolate sound) then you'll suffer through the looping song, even if you hate it.<br />
<br />
The current flavor of the week (or weeks shall we say?) is Ellie Golding's <i>Lights</i> which I have to admit I really enjoyed at first. Like maybe the first 6 fucking loops. And I'll admit I was totally rocking out in my car, singing words that I don't even know. What is she saying anyways? Because this is how I sing it: "You turn the lights out shorty turn to stoooone, shine me when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strooong, leave me when I'm gone. Keeps on calling calling callingggg... etc. etc. you get the picture. I realize I could just google the lyrics but where's the fun in that? It's like a god damn puzzle where I get to change the pieces every time.<br />
<br />
Anyways, after hearing this song a few hundred times while driving around Orange County applying to jobs, I start to get irritated and I'm all SHUT UP ELLIE GOLDING OR IMMA PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT.<br />
<br />
And then a few loops later I'm all rocking out to it again (it's so freaking catchy) and analyzing half understood lyrics.<br />
<br />
What do you suppose she's talking about? WHY THE FUCK IS SHE SO FASCINATED BY THESE PARTICULAR LIGHTS??? She's totally on drugs. Someone get Ellie some help!!!<br />
<br />
OR she's seen extraterrestrial lights and she's all GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING GROWN UP VOICE YOU ALIEN FUCKERS, I SOUND LIKE A CHILD!!!<br />
<br />
Which is why she wrote the song in the first place so she it could go on satellite radio and the song would get blasted into the cranials of the alien voice thieves who made her sound like a fucking baby so she's calling calling calling them to get it back...<br />
<br />
...This is all getting very complicated. So I end with this. Write a new fucking song Ellie Golding.Arianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17498810569684905571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7501797500640841752.post-91427479206079290742011-12-14T17:14:00.000-08:002011-12-14T17:25:24.889-08:00The Destruction of Mechanical Pencils I hate pencils. I hate the feeling of scratchy graphite against paper, I hate having to sharpen them, and I hate having to erase shit. Pens are the way to go. They're so smooth, you can just roll your words right onto that clean, white paper. What's more, I hate mechanical pencils because of the infuriating noises they make; like screeching banshees.<br />
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It's even worse when trying to take a test. As I'm attempting to concentrate on questions about test-retest reliability, true experiments, and validity, all I can focus on is the sound of the maniacal screeching of the mechanical pencil in use next to me.<br />
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"Okay," I think. "You can do this. Just don't pay attention."<br />
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I try to cover my right ear with my right hand so I can't hear the deafening noise that I'm almost certain is killing dolphins somewhere, but this proposes a problem in that I am right-handed and therefore need my right hand to take the test.<br />
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I lift my right hand away from my ear just to test it out. <i>EEEEEEEEEK SCREEEEECHEEEEEE EEK EEK EEK FUUUUUCK MEEEEEE. </i>Oh those poor dying dolphins.<br />
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I start day dreaming about snatching the demonically possessed pencil from the girl to my right and excersizing the fucking demons out of it and then snapping it in two, letting its graphite life force spill out of it only to be stomped on by my boots.<br />
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"Muahahaha!" I will laugh maniacally with my fists curled and raised to the heavens in a vengeful gesture of justice while the girl weeps over her fallen comrade and fails to finish her test because she has no writing utensil and no one will lend her one because of her abuse of utensil noises.<br />
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My classmates cheer and raise me up and I am given an award for saving dolphins.<br />
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And then I realize I've spent precious minutes contemplating the destruction of a pencil, look down at my own noiseless pen (pens are the best!) and finish the fucking test to an orchestra of screeching mechanical pencils that I start noticing all around the classroom. How am I the only one that notices this? Whatever...Arianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17498810569684905571noreply@blogger.com1