Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Destruction of Mechanical Pencils

 I hate pencils. I hate the feeling of scratchy graphite against paper, I hate having to sharpen them, and I hate having to erase shit. Pens are the way to go. They're so smooth, you can just roll your words right onto that clean, white paper. What's more, I hate mechanical pencils because of the infuriating noises they make; like screeching banshees.

It's even worse when trying to take a test. As I'm attempting to concentrate on questions about test-retest reliability, true experiments, and validity, all I can focus on is the sound of the maniacal screeching of the mechanical pencil in use next to me.

"Okay," I think. "You can do this. Just don't pay attention."

I try to cover my right ear with my right hand so I can't hear the deafening noise that I'm almost certain is killing dolphins somewhere, but this proposes a problem in that I am right-handed and therefore need my right hand to take the test.

I lift my right hand away from my ear just to test it out. EEEEEEEEEK SCREEEEECHEEEEEE EEK EEK EEK FUUUUUCK MEEEEEE. Oh those poor dying dolphins.

I start day dreaming about snatching the demonically possessed pencil from the girl to my right and excersizing the fucking demons out of it and then snapping it in two, letting its graphite life force spill out of it only to be stomped on by my boots.

"Muahahaha!" I will laugh maniacally with my fists curled and raised to the heavens in a vengeful gesture of justice while the girl weeps over her fallen comrade and fails to finish her test because she has no writing utensil and no one will lend her one because of her abuse of utensil noises.

My classmates cheer and raise me up and I am given an award for saving dolphins.

And then I realize I've spent precious minutes contemplating the destruction of a pencil, look down at my own noiseless pen (pens are the best!) and finish the fucking test to an orchestra of screeching mechanical pencils that I start noticing all around the classroom. How am I the only one that notices this? Whatever...